I use to write...
I can easily recant those times when it felt like writing was all I had.
Like everything I felt was going to cause total annihilation of my inner self if I didn't write it down.
In the yelling
In the tears
In the disappointments
In the times that there was such painful change in my life that I couldn't hardly look in the mirror without disbelief that I was really living that life.
In the doubts
In the confusion
In the times of pure anger when my words, barely legible, ran into each other to form one giant run on sentence.
In the underage, drunkenness of my wasted youth.
My writing was all the good I had to somehow relieve the fallacious.
It was a confession of all my sin and my artistic way of making it presentable to the outside world. It was my pain written across thousands of pages, locked up and hidden in paper bound books, and later plastered on social media. It was the very thing that made feeling what i felt tolerable because, hey, I got a good poem out of it.
Now it's gone. Destroyed with little evidence of that person...
The person that once wrote about the murderous details of her self worth as a young teenager and into early adulthood. The person that wrote letters, begging to not be left behind or forgotten. The person that kept record of her sexual conquests and secretly regretted each and every one of them. The person that so desperately wanted to be liked that she spent hours perfecting the most thought provoking or witty MySpace blog post, in hopes of gaining friends. I don't miss that person. I don't miss that pain. I don't miss that pressure.
Today I think I will write.
Without fear of judgement.
Without the self serving motives of being someone you should want to know.
And WITH confidence in knowing that I'm being authentic.
My blog, for quite some time, has been for the purpose of knit banter, project updates, and the occasional sappy post. I hated that I couldn't just stick to a theme or purpose and keep on track or post on a regular basis. However, I have come to terms that it's ok and not all blogs (even mine) don't need to be for the purpose of entertaining others in hopes of gaining readers. The self inflicted pressure is off.
If anything.... consider this my first journal entry.